Frustration

This word pretty much sums up my first week of classes in Harbin. Today I just got out of my 1 on 2 class and it was literally a painful experience. I have an incredibly hard time understanding anything that my teacher says, even if it is simple vocabulary that I already know. My listening comprehension is ridiculously horrible. And my tones are even worse, I think. Chinese is a very tonal language where you have to capture the right sound of each character in order to convey the correct meaning. Enlglish, to my knowledge, is not this way at all. The most embarrassing part is the fact that I cannot even say my own name in Chinese correctly, Dou Ning. The Dou is a rising tone and the Ning is a falling one. Here is a common example:

Teacher: Dou Ning
Me: (repeating) Dou Ning
Teacher: Bu dui! (not correct) Dou Ning
Me: Dou Ning!
Teacher: Dou Ning
Me: Dou Ning
Teacher: Dou Ning
Me: Dou Ning!!!
Etc. etc. etc. etc.

It is very frustrating.

And this blog is my only outlet to vent my frustrations. All of the students here agreed to a language pledge and none of us are allowed to speak English with one another. So, since Sunday I have not spoken a word of english to anyone. The goal of the language pledge is to force you to speak Chinese in order to improve you fluency. Sounds like a good plan but instead of speaking Chinese I usually just dont speak. I dont know what the average number of words people speak in a day but right now Im probably only in the hundreds. All of my thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. are completely kept to myself. It is a strange way to live.

It is hard to describe what I am going through right now. I feel like a fraction of a person because I cannot convey my ideas or understand what other people are saying. Im like a 1 year old child in a grown ups body who cannot understand the world around him. It is a very strange feeling. And right now I cannot imagine being able to be conversant in Chinese. I guess the only thing I can do is just try as hard as I can and see what kind of progress I will be able to make this year.

I should say a few things about the classes as well. Most of the other students Chinese in this program is a lot better than mine, so they seem to be able to understand what is going on in class and what they have to do outside of it. I am that slow, dense kid in class who has to be told the same simple thing several times and still have to make educated guesses as to what is going on. That is one of the most agonizing parts because I'm used to being one of the best students, always being prepared and thoroughly enjoying school. Right now it is exactly the opposite on all three counts. And I wish I could explain to my teachers that I am trying hard, but again that is difficult to do most of the times because of the language pledge. Whenever there is complete confusion between my teachers and I, they say, "man man lai, man man lai," or "slowly it will come, slowly it will come." My teachers are probably going through the same feelings of frustration so I also sympahize greatly with them.

But the prospect of being able to speak and read Chinese is so attractive that I guess I have to pay some major dues before it happens. And know I am not the only waiguoren (foreigner) who has thought learning Chinese is impossible. Every one thinks that at some point, (at least I hope I am not the only one.) A lot of my classmates are already very good so I guess there is hope for me. Right now I just hope my teachers are right.

"Man man lai, man man lai."